Last week I attended the funeral of a friend and Pastor Joy Gascoigne spoke from Rom 8:31 on that occasion. Most of us remember that verse as containing the precious truth ‘If God is for us, who can be against us?’ and that was indeed an important point stressed in Joy’s tribute. But she actually focussed more on the first part of the verse ‘What, then, shall we say?’, commenting that at difficult times – times of suffering and bereavement in particular – this is often how we feel. We’re not sure how to approach those in need; we’re not sure what to say. We feel our own inadequacy and helplessness very much as we watch our loved ones go through struggles and feel powerless to help.
What do we say when people are hurting and grieving and angry and bitter and resentful? What do we say when we feel abandoned by God, let down, disappointed, rejected? What do we say to our own souls, but even more, what do we say to others?
Luke Hellebronth’s song ‘Stand Up’ has the line in it ‘When we don’t know what to do, our eyes will be fixed on You.’ It’s pointless trying to find answers in the world. Our only hope is to fix our eyes on God and listen for His still, small voice. The book of Job wrestles with questions about suffering and how to find God’s love in the midst of agony. At the end of that book, when God reminds Job of His majesty and power (but still does not answer all the questions!), Job says ‘Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.‘ (Job 42:3) Unless we spend time with God, nurturing that relationship with Him, we will never have anything worth saying and we still need to understand that there are times when words are not the right response anyway! Our first responsibility has to be to walk with God and everything then flows from that.
Secondly, often we don’t have to say anything, anyway. Our presence and tears can comfort just as well as words. We often think we have to have all the answers to ‘fix’ everything, but mostly people want love, acceptance and understanding just as much as ‘solutions’. Quite often, there are no solutions people can provide anyway; some situations are beyond our capability to solve! Just being there can communicate a great deal. Lily Allen said, talking about how she had coped with the stillbirth of her child (which must rank as one of the most awful thing that can happen to anyone), ‘Even though it was the most unfortunate thing that can ever happen to a person, I was very fortunate in the sense that I have a loving partner to go home to and share that experience with.’ Friendship and loving support often don’t need words. We share by being there.
Thirdly, truth is truth, even if it is not what we want to hear. When we go through suffering and feelings of rejection and pain, we need to be reminded of God’s truth. Often, when we’re railing against God, people and the universe, what we want is for people to share our point of view. We want people’s sympathy. We want their understanding. We want their compassion. All of those things are important. However, at some point, we have to bring truth and perspective to the situation. And truth can be piercing and not what we want to hear; it can be cutting. (Heb 4:12) Nonetheless, truth is the only thing that can set people free. (John 8:32) Sometimes we are strong enough to remind ourselves of God’s truths even when we are feeling low, but on other occasions, we need people to speak His word of truth to us to help to anchor us in His love and mercy. God’s word is powerful enough to work within us, even if we don’t always receive it graciously in the first place!
Fourthly, love never fails. We will fail often. We will say the wrong thing. We will not understand. Quite often, we will feel that God asks too much of us in commanding us to love as He loves! However, this ‘love’ business was never meant to be done in our own strength. God’s love in us is the only thing that will last… which is why we have to remain in God and allow His life to shine through us, why we have to fix our eyes on Him. (Col 3:1) We’re back to where we started…!