The parable of the lost son (Luke 15:11-32) has so much to teach us about differences in personalities and managing relationships. The younger son, somewhat reckless, independent and immature at the start of the story, wants his share of his father’s estate and isn’t prepared to wait for it. He has the demandingness of youth, a belief that he is entitled to something and an impatience which couldn’t wait to be off on its travels. He is impulsive, someone who has great ideas but not much stickability.
Making mistakes, as he did, is perhaps inevitable, but at least he learned from his mistakes. The younger son comes to earth with a bump. Famine strikes and he ends up with a job that brings him no satisfaction and a hunger that won’t go away. He sees something of his selfishness and foolishness and resolves to go back home. He’s no longer going to demand something of his father; he’s going to offer to work for him as a servant. Now, he’s got rid of the spirit of demandingness and entitlement which we saw at the start of the story. He respects his father and understands that working for him would be far better than working for a pig-man. He has been humbled through adversity. Sometimes it seems that adversity is the only teacher we’re willing to listen to…
The older brother has a completely different personality. He is hard-working, dutiful, responsible and sensible. He’s worked hard for his father all his life. He hasn’t squandered money on wild living. He’s probably regarded as a ‘model citizen’ by people around him.
Yet it becomes increasingly clear that dutiful obedience isn’t what relationship is really about. The older brother may have been doing all the right things outwardly, but inwardly he is seething with resentment and suppressed anger which boils over when his wastrel younger brother is welcomed back so lavishly by their father. His duty has been perceived as ‘slaving’; his cry is really the one all parents of two or more children have heard at some point: ‘it’s not fair!’
Whether we believe we are entitled to something from God or that God does not always behave fairly, both attitudes reflect a lack of understanding of grace. Grace can never be earned. It is freely offered to us by God, but we don’t deserve it.
The father in the story, a type of God the Father, shows both wisdom and understanding in how he handles his children. He understands that his younger son needs the freedom to make his own mistakes. He lets him go, even though he doubtless knew that no good would come of this venture into independent living. He cared enough for his son to allow him the freedom to discover for himself what truly mattered and he left the door open for his return. He cared about his older son, too, not wanting him to react in sulks and anger, assuring him of his ongoing love and support.
In the film ‘Bruce Almighty’, God gives His powers to a mortal called Bruce. He has all God’s power, but God reminds him that He has given people free will. When Bruce’s relationship with a lovely lady breaks down, he asks God, “How do you make so many people love you without affecting Free Will?” God’s answer is “Heh, welcome to my world, son. If you come up with an answer to that one, let me know.” The truth is, we cannot make anyone love us. God gave us free will. We choose to love. Relationships ultimately are not about manipulation or forcing people to do what we want.
Being a parent means learning to let go, which can be painful and costly. There is no guarantee our children will come to their senses and learn from their mistakes. As a parent, we would like them to learn from our mistakes and we long to protect them from making their own mistakes. But we have to let go and entrust our children to God.
One of the things I am slowly learning and which this parable illustrates so clearly is that not everyone is like me. Relationships often seem so difficult because we are all so different. Whether we are more like the casually irresponsible younger son or the duty-driven older son, though, we need to understand that change is not only necessary but possible. The father, who was possibly wise from ‘bitter experience’, loves both his sons freely and without strings. True love always wants what is best for the other person. God’s love for us is so great that He longs for us to return to Him freely, serving Him out of a delight that we are in relationship with Him rather than out of a fear-stricken sense of duty that actually seethes and stews with resentment.
Grace is God’s undeserved favour. We’re not entitled to it. We don’t deserve it. We can’t earn it. Nonetheless, John tells us that ”to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God” (John 1:12) God, in His great love, wisdom and grace, has poured out His love on us and given us the right to enter His holy presence, to become His children, to have a right relationship with the Creator of the Universe. May we neither take that for granted – as the younger son originally did – or try to earn it – as the older son did – but freely receive all that God has for us and serve Him with gratitude and with joy.