Loneliness is not a subject we often like to talk about in church, perhaps because the focus there is so often on being part of God’s family and on the fellowship we share with God. How can anyone feel lonely when they are surrounded by people and when we are hearing every week that God wants to be our best friend? So we hide away; you can be terribly lonely in a crowd…
There is a vast difference between being alone and being lonely. Introverts probably relish being on their own more frequently than extroverts who thrive on other people’s company, but loneliness is not just about the number of friends you have or how often you see people. Loneliness, as Stephen described, is a feeling of isolation, often described as not being understood or loved. Thus, someone who is bereaved feels lonely because other people are not experiencing the same sense of painful loss they are experiencing and they feel adrift. Someone whose personality is different to other people may well feel lonely because no one understands their sense of humour or ‘gets’ them. When we feel disconnected from people and from God, we feel incredibly lonely.
The psalmists are honest about their feelings of loneliness: ‘Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.’ (Ps 27:16) In other places, we read ‘Do not reject me or forsake me, God my Saviour’ (Ps 27:9, see also Ps 38:21, Ps 71:9, Ps 138:8). The pain of broken relationships (Ps 41:9, Ps 88:8) and sense of loss that form a great part of loneliness are found in the Psalms, and we see that there will always be a sense of yearning for something better (the bliss of Eden we have lost through sin) while ever we are on earth. It is only in heaven that we will find perfect satisfaction and fulfilment in God.
In the meantime, how do we learn to cope with loneliness? The first aspect is to stand on the truth of God’s word that He will not forsake us, abandon us or leave us, no matter how we feel. Secondly, we see that God places the lonely in families (Ps 68:6), so we have to be careful not to withdraw from fellowship (the tendency is to retreat into ourselves, but God wants us to actively seek out others and seek to serve them instead of focussing on our own needs all the time.) Thirdly, we need to be honest with ourselves, with God and with others about how we feel. Rather than letting loneliness lead into real mental health problems, we have to find solace, succour and strength from God and His people. Opening up about loneliness often leads to a discovery that we are not alone in how we feel, which in itself is the first step to healing.
The charity Mind has useful advice on coping with loneliness here. As with so many things, we need to de-stigmatise the word and talk openly about our problems instead of hiding them away where they grow in power. Not everyone will understand us and it can be hard to find people who can empathise with us, but we must beware of the ‘little foxes’ which ruin the vineyards (Song of Songs 2:15). Openness, vulnerability and a steadfast trust in the God who died so we need never be separated from His love can help us as we struggle with the loneliness of living in a fallen world among sinful people and the estrangement this causes.