If intimacy is a God-given longing within our hearts, why, then, do we find it so difficult to be open and vulnerable in our relationships with others and honest and real in our relationship with God? Many of us find it difficult to let go of our inhibitions and dance unashamedly before the Lord as David did (2 Sam 6:14) or to pour out perfume as the woman who anointed Jesus in Luke 7 did.
There are several barriers to intimacy which we must overcome if we are to grow spiritually and choose the ‘one thing needed’ as Mary did.
1. We need to understand the depths of sin and learn to understand our own sinful hearts. Jer 17:9 gives us a clue to the deceitfulness of sin. Paul’s struggles in Rom 7:21-24 also catalogue how we can sometimes end up frustrated and doing the very things we despise. We need God’s help to understand even our own hearts (before ever we can fathom anyone else’s!) and need to pray Ps 139:23-24 frequently so that we are not deceived by sin.
2. All relationships require time and effort and we are often prone to laziness, a lack of spiritual determination to pursue what is good. When we are first courting, we love spending time with our beloved, rearranging our schedules, longing simply to be with them. Often, as relationships progress, our own effort and investment in them declines. We take each other for granted. All relationships, whether friendships or family ties or marriage, depend on time and effort to flourish, and neglect can easily cause those relationships to wither and even die. Song of Songs 5:3 shows us how we can find it too wearying to keep on investing in relationships, but if we are convinced that love is what matters the most, we need to keep on putting relationships as our first priority – above work, above recreation, above everything else which so easily claims our attention. Matt 6:21 reminds us that where our treasure is, there our hearts will also be. End-of-life regrets usually focus on neglect and omission. Let’s understand the importance and primacy of all relationships, and especially our relationship with God.
3. A third barrier to intimacy are the scars we carry as the result of the Fall. Problems arise ‘from deeply embedded neurotic responses that inhibit or prevent open relationships.’ (‘Five Smooth Stones for Pastoral Work’ P 54) These can be part of our personalities, which all suffer because of Adam’s sin, or can result from being hurt by other people. We find it difficult to trust, to hope, to persist because we feel let down by people and the more we have been hurt, the harder it is to open ourselves again to the possibility of further hurt. We build defence mechanisms that keep people at arm’s length so that we cannot be hurt again. Often, these defence mechanisms are like the walls of a fort or castle. They keep people out effectively, but whilst that prevents us from further hurt, inside, we starve for affection and companionship. In mediaeval times, armies would fortify and garrison the castle to protect it, but quite often, those inside the castle could be starved out in a siege.
That’s what happens to us when we build effective defence mechanisms which leave us protected but starving for meaningful human contact. Loneliness creeps up on us and our souls are starved of the love and companionship which God has made us for, leaving us to wither and die emotionally, however well we may be physically.
The antidotes to loneliness and arm’s-length relationships are openness, vulnerability and love. Instead of running away from intimacy as so many of us do (often using distraction as the means of covering up the hollowness we feel within), we need to draw need to God, sure that He will never reject us or cast us out. (Heb 4:16) It doesn’t matter how bad we have been, what sins we have committed, how much our hearts condemn us (‘God is greater than our hearts’ 1 John 3:20), how much Satan tempts us to despair: not because these things are not true, but because Jesus has died as a ransom to set us free from all these sins.
The truth of the gospel is that all that was destroyed and ravaged by the Fall can be restored by the Cross and we can choose the better thing which will not be taken from us, as Mary did. We can be set free from condemnation; we can be ‘blameless now.’ (‘Boldly I Approach (The Art of Celebration)’, Rend Collective.) We can be welcomed as God’s own, welcomed into the arms of majesty, welcomed into the courts of the King. (‘Facedown’, Matt Redman) We can know that we will never be driven out from God’s presence: Jesus said ‘whoever comes to me I will never drive away.’ (John 6:37) This assurance means that we are free to love and to be loved in exactly the ways our hearts yearn for and we will find the joy and fulfilment we were created for.